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Tuesday, May 10th, 2005
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4:27 pm - Surgery
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I am at Beth Israel having major surgery, but I have a story written for the Atlantis thing, I just can't get to it. I apologize, I won't be back home for at least another week.
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| Saturday, April 9th, 2005
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4:42 pm - Robot Chicken!
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If I were really hard-core, I would've seen Sin City instead of Robots yesterday. But I'm not. As sweet as Robots was, Robin Williams has become a person too needy for me to exist in the same universe with. It actually hurts me to see or hear him, and I don't know when I started feeling that way. I kind of regret not seeing Sin City, I know it'll be Frank Miller-y badness, but it looks so very beautiful.
current mood:  nervous
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| Sunday, March 27th, 2005
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8:11 pm - I have to play through
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That's the pastel mermaid, I don't know why my computer darkens everything so much. It's a problem which I make icons.
( Read more... )
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| Thursday, March 24th, 2005
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1:21 pm - A new leaf. A fresh, delicious new leaf
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1. I live on candy, doctor's orders. I long for a salad like you wouldn't believe. I sometimes imagine a leaf crisp romaine lettuce between my teeth. First I would bite it, and there'd be that little crunch, and then I'd suck the fresh cold water out of it. Or a wedge of tomato, its side dipped into salty ranch dressing, which would be the first thing I taste, but I wouldn't lick it off, I'd hold the dressing on the surface of my tongue, until I bit into the tomato, releasing its juice into my mouth, fresh red juice mixing with the creamy dressing. And don't even get me started on bacon bits.
2. I watch certain shows over the week, and when I'm sick, which I often am. I used to be a hardcore slash fiction writer, and now that I have some downtime, I'd like to do that again. I'd at least like to read some slash. My shows right now are House, Stargate: Atlantis and Craft Corner Deathmatch. This last one I don't expect to have much slash to it.
3. Everytime I watch a tv show, I knit or crochet or draw something. This is because I am an ex-smoker and I like to have something to do with my hands. So now I have hats and scarves which I look at and say, "Oh, I remember that season of the Apprentice." Which is silly. But since I am a geek, it results in me thinking that crafts and sci-fi go together somehow. So if I watch Stargate, I usually notice things like, ah, the Athosians are rocking some great crocheted textiles.
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| Monday, March 7th, 2005
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2:48 pm - Breathe.
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For Illo Friday, the theme being: Fragile
Okay. Breathe.
current mood: anxious
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| Friday, March 4th, 2005
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12:46 am - Zebra Anne
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I used to have a character, when I was, like, 13, called Zebra Anne, and she was a centaur-girl, but she was part, obviously, Zebra. I liked her. She was, predictably, sassy. I did a bunch of mermaids for an ATC swap, I hope I can put them up soon. Animal-people are a little cheesy, I know, but when I was little I loved them so much. I think that a mermaid girl, Asian, with a koi tail could be quite lovely. Man! Too bad I finished those mermaids already. Maybe I can make her for something else.
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| Wednesday, March 2nd, 2005
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12:09 am - Oh...I almost missed that.
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It's my birthday it's my birthday...I think I almost have a new poem for my birthday. That's...a pretty great present.
Also cool? Yesterday Sian sent me a birthday mix and some other stuff. On the CD? Mostly Punjabi M.C. and Magnetic Fields. Surprisingly, it goes with everything. Also, she sent me postcards by that japanese artist who draws cute, mean children. I forgot the name. You've seen his stuff, it used to be on MTV and in music magazines, in the tiny little art section. Cute, mean children. Adorable. Lisa thinks they are scary.
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| Monday, February 21st, 2005
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4:03 pm - Just to see what color I am
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2:34 pm - Yeah! My first article published!
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I found my first published article! It's about healthcare!
It occurs to me, that if I could just get my ass in gear, I could
a. Have a solid freelance career ($$$)
b. Be a fair to middling artist on the way to improvement
c. Be pretty attractive and together as a person.
d. Expand my social circle to more than the same old five folks, who are smart and nice, but we're just inbred. There are lots of other people out there, who aren't all buried in academia and being snotty and feeling superior to other people. I need to not be an academic snob, it's okay for some, but I won't be a good person if I'm like that. Not everyone has to be witty and urbane and, I don't know, skinny-cool-fashion-y all the time.
I just want to be around people who are...nice and kind. And, yes, geekier. My RL friends used to all be geeks, and we all used to be softer around the edges, phsysically and mentally. Now everyone's angle-y, and lost weight, and shopping all the time, and trying to be too cool for fucking everything. I do it, too, and god, what an asshat I am when I'm like that. Also, I know a bunch of people who will follow me into geekier territory, I just need to take a stand. So, more geekiness, fewer assholery!
I'm a little excited about the future now. I like that.
current mood:  excited
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| Sunday, February 13th, 2005
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12:58 am - The Magnificent Seven
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I...think that this may be my new favorite movie. No joke. I may have to go make some Mag 7 icons. I don't know what this says about me, but I enjoyed this way more than The Seven Samurai...I just like Westerns, I think is the thing. And Steve McQueen. What else is he in? Why didn't anyone tell me about how awesome this movie was? It was funny and cool, and had a great score, and cowboys and horses and deserts, and I cried at the end.
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| Friday, February 11th, 2005
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2:01 pm - Romeo
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Just seeing if this flickr thing works. This is an ATC (Artist Trading Card) that I made, and have actually already traded. ATC's are maybe my favorite hobby ever. All the fun of collecting cards, with collecting art, with trading, with making them, and receiving and sending cool mail. Cool mail! Instead of that horrible bill crap I get all the time.
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1:41 pm - Rebirth of the Hale
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Okay, so Sick Girl won out last semester...and last month...and she's winning today. I'll admit it. I have no idea how to defeat her. I just have to struggle through. I think, instead of trying to kill Sick Girl, I'll just shore up...Healthy Girl, or whoever else is in here...omigosh, maybe that's the problem, I have a name for the collective of my weakest traits, but I don't really acknowledge anyone else, so even if I manage to suppress Sick Girl, I'm left with...nobody. And having no identity is worse than having a really evil opportunistic one, so...Yeah. Okay. I announce the birth of The Hale, my new alter-ego. (Healthy Girl really doesn't have a ring to it, not that The Hale does, but...)
The Hale is an artist and is weirdly active. Actually, she's been making all kinds of stuff lately. The Hale is a planner, I mean, she's not awesome with money or anything like that, she's still me. But she moves, she keeps moving, even when she has no idea what she's doing or where she's going.
She writes all the time, and it's terrible. Terrible, terrible work. But The Hale doesn't care that much. The Hale is just as annoying as Sick Girl is in her own way, but it's nice to pretend to be someone else. The Hale is planning a new web empire. The Hale is the sort of person who figures, if it isn't done by the end of the day, it won't get done at all.
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| Saturday, December 4th, 2004
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3:14 pm - And what if I am a taker?
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I think it's clear that when I don't write, I lose all sense of duty and responsibility and self, I let everything, everything slide, because I forget that I have obligations to participate in the world with everyone else. And I'm embarassed and ashamed all the time. Either that, or I start to feeling that way and then that's why I don't write. But I don't think so. I need to stop daydreaming and start writing, and I think my head will come back to the good space again, if I do that.
I hope it will, I hope it will.
I don't like being like this.
current mood: scared
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| Thursday, October 14th, 2004
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3:26 pm - It's not that I have a problem with courtly humanism per se
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...but, is the point of class discussion to raise your hand and just say, "I liked how..." and then fill in some random fact about the reading which is in no way likable ? Just to take up space in the conversation? I mean, do I have to do that in order to get a class participation grade? I do every reading for every class, but I don't constantly say stuff because, well, I prefer to actually contribute to the conversation, and I hate being a suckup, but...but...now I'm worried that the Professor doesn't think I do the reading, and also, how annoying am I, refusing to say a word unless it combines all of the economic, political and social themes of the era with dizzying insight and brilliant analysis?
I mean, one might, upon reading the above statement, come to the conclusion that I absolutely need to unclench.
Whatever, I think I'll do some American Lit stuff and then call it a day. Cuddle up with my lap top and create terrible, terrible stories. My self-esteem is already careening wildly between "completely shot" and "can't-fit-my-head-through-the-door." I really can't get any less stable.
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8:51 am - "Try to stay positive now." Shep to Steve.
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Okay, since I hate being terribly whiny, I'd like to report the good things:
1. Everything's fine, everything's fine
2. I've been doing pretty well writing 1500-2000 words a day, despite school and jobby job things. Yes, much of it is crizap but I'm learning to press on regardless, and that's important too, right?
3. Some of the writing has been fannish and I've discovered that I kind of enjoy almost all the characters on Stargate: Atlantis, except for Cavanaugh. I even like Sgt. Bates.
4. My friends love me, even though I'm a horrible, horrible girl who never calls and never writes or anything.
Bad things are:
1. I feel terrible, and I don't know if I should just let myself feel awful or press on regardless.
2. Whatever, it's 9:00AM, way to early to give up. Damn you, Sick Girl, you won't get the best of me. Pain is...it's good for the soul, and the spirit, and all kinds of other stuff. Yeah.
current mood:  sick
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| Friday, October 8th, 2004
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8:25 pm - Not to be depressing or anything...
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...but, nothing like an emergency room visit to remind one of the fact that, at some point, one will be orphaned. And then I realize, to my greater horror, that is a natural part of things, that, in fact, that's what's supposed to happen. It's the best case scenario. Can you imagine that? The best case scenario is this horrifying, scary, incredibly painful thing?
Life is actually designed so that you are supposed to lose the people whom you love best in the world...assuming you lose your parents before you marry or have children, if you end up doing those things. My father came back from the emergency room yesterday, and yes, he is fine, but no, I don't want to go out tonight, and I can't tell anyone about how scared I am, not because I don't think they'll understand and be kind and say just the right thing, there's a good chance that they will, but because whenever I start to bring it up my throat closes up a bit. I couldn't even put in this entry until today, and only because I was uploading an icon anyway.
I feel like everyone I know, everyone in their early to mid-twenties is scared, terrified, of this sort of thing, and others...I hope like anything that people in their late-twenties are braver, and that people in their thirties are gold. I hope that, but I really don't think that's how it is. I don't remember being this confused when I was an adolescent. I certainly wasn't this scared when I was twenty...I don't know if I was stupider or braver then.
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| Sunday, October 3rd, 2004
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9:59 pm - Things which make the heart beat faster.
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Sometimes I feel like I have nothing to look forward to, and that makes me want to sit around and watch VH1 and read fanfic until my eyes hurt, which is not where you want to be when you're studying for two tests and have a paper due.
So, I am looking forward to (chrono-order):
1. September: Uh...Consolidating my Renaissance History notes? Shut up, it's fun to put things in outline form, really!
Oh wait, September's over. That's good, because I couldn't think of anything there.
2. October: Halloween. I have no idea what I want to be...but I'd really like to strike a balance between scary and slutty. I usually rail against girls who use Halloween as an excuse to dress like whores-- I've long felt that Halloween is a time to scare people, or at least make them laugh...boys get to be scary or funny on Halloween, but girls always choose to be slutty. But then, if you never dress sexily ever, there's something poignantly Willow-like about choosing to do so for Halloween. Also, I'm really quite cute right now.
3. November: Nanowrimo! I'm going to con all my friends into doing it, even though we don't have time. I wonder what kind of stupid crap we'll all come up with.
4. December: Finals. It sounds terrible, but I'm going to kill this year, I just know it. I refuse to go into Christmas with a sick, sad, defeated feeling.
5. January: Nursing classes, because that will lead to graduating, getting a job and ---> The Beginning.
current mood: hopeful
current music: Coldplay - "The Scientist"
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| Saturday, October 2nd, 2004
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5:53 pm - Iconoclast
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| Thursday, September 30th, 2004
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4:25 pm - I'll get it back
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I'm all about these little mantras when I'm having a bad day, I know that it's stupid, but when I say a damn fool thing in class, the only way I can keep from visibly cringing afterwards is by chanting, "Don't worry, we'll get it back." I guess "it" is supposed to be our game, and by "we" I mean, me. I must've gotten it from Sports Night.
Another mantra I like is "Always outnumbered, always outgunned." from that Walter Mosley book. Then I find that Juliette Lewis and Prodigy released an album called "Always Outnumbered, Never Outgunned" and I am annoyed. Just because that former phrase made me remember that people work hard and things hurt and that that's okay because that's how it's supposed to be, and there's something good and pure about that.
This Prodigy/Juliette Lewis thing is just going to make me think of annoying raver children and unnattractively flashy rock stars and the song I heard off that album wasn't even good.
Hey, I have webspace, I should put up my Zelenka icons. And my other icons, and other stuff like that. But I don't really have a webpage design in mind, and I don't have time to devote the hours and hours of obsessing that a new webpage warrants. After this next round of tests, maybe. Something girly and techie looking, with grids and what not.
I love that girls have created their own aesthetic on the web, that there are beautiful, beautiful webpages that have been designed by twelve year old girls, and icons and lj's too, a lot of very fine graphic work is being done by these tiny little girls. The internet used to be so crazy looking, and I blame boys. (totally unfairly, I know.) Boys just have a different aesthetic than girls do, they like different colors and shapes, it's not bad, just different than what I like.
Anyway, tiny little girls are making these icons that are so sophisticated and lovely, and they're devoting all this talent to, like, Justin Timberlake and Lindsey Lohan. But who cares? These girls are going to grow up and make extraordinary things, and do it so easily, because they learned all these skills without even meaning to, just because they wanted a blinky Christina Aguilera icon unlike anyone else's. I wish I'd had that when I was younger.
current mood:  okay
current music: Killers - "On Top"
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| Wednesday, September 29th, 2004
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9:35 pm - No, I am not sweating Grissom...well, yes I am.
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Especially since the C.S.I. obsession pretty much guarentees that I'm going to the gym every day at seven. The idea is to eat as much as possible so as not to lose ground, but excercise everyday so as not to lose cardiovascular health and muscle mass.
Even though I have a lot of reading to do for tomorrow, and I have to get up at 5:00AM to have a prayer of getting to class on time, and it's already 10:00PM, I still find myself fiddling around online. Thinking about just completely overhauling my lj, my homepage, creating a Dr. Zelenka icon because, well, Dr. Zelenka deserves it...
current mood: chipper
current music: The Hives - Dead Quote Olympics
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aprilblood's journal