April Blood's journal

Surgery

Tue, 10 May 2005 20:28:21 GMT

I am at Beth Israel having major surgery, but I have a story written for the Atlantis thing, I just can't get to it. I apologize, I won't be back home for at least another week.

Robot Chicken!

Sat, 09 Apr 2005 20:53:14 GMT

If I were really hard-core, I would've seen Sin City instead of Robots yesterday. But I'm not. As sweet as Robots was, Robin Williams has become a person too needy for me to exist in the same universe with. It actually hurts me to see or hear him, and I don't know when I started feeling that way. I kind of regret not seeing Sin City, I know it'll be Frank Miller-y badness, but it looks so very beautiful.

I have to play through

Mon, 28 Mar 2005 02:34:53 GMT

That's the pastel mermaid, I don't know why my computer darkens everything so much. It's a problem which I make icons.

I need to just take the good with the bad, and play through, even when I think I'm being silly. In this case, the good is: Finding freelancing work, making a dummy resume and seeing what's out there for a little girl like me. The good is: Rereading Hamlet, King Lear and The Good Soldier. The bad is: Spanish, Nursing, MIS and my taxes. The good is punky, colorful outfits to cheer me up. The bad is: Laundry and organization. I play with pain. The good/bad is: Journals and poetry. Oh, and my Weirlenka and Brodin stories.

I can't get down on myself. There is a lot of joy to be had. Lots! Knitting and crochet are totally joyous. Watching a movie with friends. Giving someone a hat but not my heart. See. Everything is fine. I feel much better now. It's going to be okay. Just play through the pain. Maybe it hurts to get up and shower, but only for a half hour or so every morning, and that's nothing. It's nothing at all. Just put towels on the ground, and a nice warm robe, so you can get out and use the toilet a couple of times in the shower. It'll be an adventure. You can do it. Also, write out a list of stuff to do for tomorrow.

A new leaf. A fresh, delicious new leaf

Thu, 24 Mar 2005 18:24:07 GMT

1. I live on candy, doctor's orders. I long for a salad like you wouldn't believe. I sometimes imagine a leaf crisp romaine lettuce between my teeth. First I would bite it, and there'd be that little crunch, and then I'd suck the fresh cold water out of it. Or a wedge of tomato, its side dipped into salty ranch dressing, which would be the first thing I taste, but I wouldn't lick it off, I'd hold the dressing on the surface of my tongue, until I bit into the tomato, releasing its juice into my mouth, fresh red juice mixing with the creamy dressing. And don't even get me started on bacon bits.

2. I watch certain shows over the week, and when I'm sick, which I often am. I used to be a hardcore slash fiction writer, and now that I have some downtime, I'd like to do that again. I'd at least like to read some slash. My shows right now are House, Stargate: Atlantis and Craft Corner Deathmatch. This last one I don't expect to have much slash to it.

3. Everytime I watch a tv show, I knit or crochet or draw something. This is because I am an ex-smoker and I like to have something to do with my hands. So now I have hats and scarves which I look at and say, "Oh, I remember that season of the Apprentice." Which is silly. But since I am a geek, it results in me thinking that crafts and sci-fi go together somehow. So if I watch Stargate, I usually notice things like, ah, the Athosians are rocking some great crocheted textiles.

Breathe.

Mon, 07 Mar 2005 19:50:28 GMT

For Illo Friday, the theme being: Fragile

Okay. Breathe.

Zebra Anne

Fri, 04 Mar 2005 05:46:47 GMT

I used to have a character, when I was, like, 13, called Zebra Anne, and she was a centaur-girl, but she was part, obviously, Zebra. I liked her. She was, predictably, sassy. I did a bunch of mermaids for an ATC swap, I hope I can put them up soon. Animal-people are a little cheesy, I know, but when I was little I loved them so much. I think that a mermaid girl, Asian, with a koi tail could be quite lovely. Man! Too bad I finished those mermaids already. Maybe I can make her for something else.

Oh...I almost missed that.

Wed, 02 Mar 2005 05:08:20 GMT

It's my birthday it's my birthday...I think I almost have a new poem for my birthday. That's...a pretty great present.

Also cool? Yesterday Sian sent me a birthday mix and some other stuff. On the CD? Mostly Punjabi M.C. and Magnetic Fields. Surprisingly, it goes with everything. Also, she sent me postcards by that japanese artist who draws cute, mean children. I forgot the name. You've seen his stuff, it used to be on MTV and in music magazines, in the tiny little art section. Cute, mean children. Adorable. Lisa thinks they are scary.

Just to see what color I am

Mon, 21 Feb 2005 21:05:11 GMT

aprilblood

Yeah! My first article published!

Mon, 21 Feb 2005 19:37:55 GMT

I found my first published article! It's about healthcare!

It occurs to me, that if I could just get my ass in gear, I could
a. Have a solid freelance career ($$$)
b. Be a fair to middling artist on the way to improvement
c. Be pretty attractive and together as a person.
d. Expand my social circle to more than the same old five folks, who are smart and nice, but we're just inbred. There are lots of other people out there, who aren't all buried in academia and being snotty and feeling superior to other people. I need to not be an academic snob, it's okay for some, but I won't be a good person if I'm like that. Not everyone has to be witty and urbane and, I don't know, skinny-cool-fashion-y all the time.

I just want to be around people who are...nice and kind. And, yes, geekier. My RL friends used to all be geeks, and we all used to be softer around the edges, phsysically and mentally. Now everyone's angle-y, and lost weight, and shopping all the time, and trying to be too cool for fucking everything. I do it, too, and god, what an asshat I am when I'm like that. Also, I know a bunch of people who will follow me into geekier territory, I just need to take a stand. So, more geekiness, fewer assholery!

I'm a little excited about the future now. I like that.

The Magnificent Seven

Sun, 13 Feb 2005 06:02:54 GMT

I...think that this may be my new favorite movie. No joke. I may have to go make some Mag 7 icons. I don't know what this says about me, but I enjoyed this way more than The Seven Samurai...I just like Westerns, I think is the thing. And Steve McQueen. What else is he in? Why didn't anyone tell me about how awesome this movie was? It was funny and cool, and had a great score, and cowboys and horses and deserts, and I cried at the end.

Romeo

Fri, 11 Feb 2005 18:57:41 GMT

Romeoa
Originally uploaded by Girl Detective.

Just seeing if this flickr thing works. This is an ATC (Artist Trading Card) that I made, and have actually already traded. ATC's are maybe my favorite hobby ever. All the fun of collecting cards, with collecting art, with trading, with making them, and receiving and sending cool mail. Cool mail! Instead of that horrible bill crap I get all the time.

Rebirth of the Hale

Fri, 11 Feb 2005 18:51:44 GMT

Okay, so Sick Girl won out last semester...and last month...and she's winning today. I'll admit it. I have no idea how to defeat her. I just have to struggle through. I think, instead of trying to kill Sick Girl, I'll just shore up...Healthy Girl, or whoever else is in here...omigosh, maybe that's the problem, I have a name for the collective of my weakest traits, but I don't really acknowledge anyone else, so even if I manage to suppress Sick Girl, I'm left with...nobody. And having no identity is worse than having a really evil opportunistic one, so...Yeah. Okay. I announce the birth of The Hale, my new alter-ego. (Healthy Girl really doesn't have a ring to it, not that The Hale does, but...)

The Hale is an artist and is weirdly active. Actually, she's been making all kinds of stuff lately. The Hale is a planner, I mean, she's not awesome with money or anything like that, she's still me. But she moves, she keeps moving, even when she has no idea what she's doing or where she's going.

She writes all the time, and it's terrible. Terrible, terrible work. But The Hale doesn't care that much. The Hale is just as annoying as Sick Girl is in her own way, but it's nice to pretend to be someone else. The Hale is planning a new web empire. The Hale is the sort of person who figures, if it isn't done by the end of the day, it won't get done at all.

And what if I am a taker?

Sat, 04 Dec 2004 20:17:48 GMT

I think it's clear that when I don't write, I lose all sense of duty and responsibility and self, I let everything, everything slide, because I forget that I have obligations to participate in the world with everyone else. And I'm embarassed and ashamed all the time. Either that, or I start to feeling that way and then that's why I don't write. But I don't think so. I need to stop daydreaming and start writing, and I think my head will come back to the good space again, if I do that.

I hope it will, I hope it will.
I don't like being like this.

It's not that I have a problem with courtly humanism per se

Thu, 14 Oct 2004 19:35:42 GMT

...but, is the point of class discussion to raise your hand and just say, "I liked how..." and then fill in some random fact about the reading which is in no way likable ? Just to take up space in the conversation? I mean, do I have to do that in order to get a class participation grade? I do every reading for every class, but I don't constantly say stuff because, well, I prefer to actually contribute to the conversation, and I hate being a suckup, but...but...now I'm worried that the Professor doesn't think I do the reading, and also, how annoying am I, refusing to say a word unless it combines all of the economic, political and social themes of the era with dizzying insight and brilliant analysis?

I mean, one might, upon reading the above statement, come to the conclusion that I absolutely need to unclench.

Whatever, I think I'll do some American Lit stuff and then call it a day. Cuddle up with my lap top and create terrible, terrible stories. My self-esteem is already careening wildly between "completely shot" and "can't-fit-my-head-through-the-door." I really can't get any less stable.

"Try to stay positive now." Shep to Steve.

Thu, 14 Oct 2004 12:57:22 GMT

Okay, since I hate being terribly whiny, I'd like to report the good things:

1. Everything's fine, everything's fine

2. I've been doing pretty well writing 1500-2000 words a day, despite school and jobby job things. Yes, much of it is crizap but I'm learning to press on regardless, and that's important too, right?

3. Some of the writing has been fannish and I've discovered that I kind of enjoy almost all the characters on Stargate: Atlantis, except for Cavanaugh. I even like Sgt. Bates.

4. My friends love me, even though I'm a horrible, horrible girl who never calls and never writes or anything.

Bad things are:

1. I feel terrible, and I don't know if I should just let myself feel awful or press on regardless.

2. Whatever, it's 9:00AM, way to early to give up. Damn you, Sick Girl, you won't get the best of me. Pain is...it's good for the soul, and the spirit, and all kinds of other stuff. Yeah.

Not to be depressing or anything...

Sat, 09 Oct 2004 00:34:36 GMT

...but, nothing like an emergency room visit to remind one of the fact that, at some point, one will be orphaned. And then I realize, to my greater horror, that is a natural part of things, that, in fact, that's what's supposed to happen. It's the best case scenario. Can you imagine that? The best case scenario is this horrifying, scary, incredibly painful thing?

Life is actually designed so that you are supposed to lose the people whom you love best in the world...assuming you lose your parents before you marry or have children, if you end up doing those things. My father came back from the emergency room yesterday, and yes, he is fine, but no, I don't want to go out tonight, and I can't tell anyone about how scared I am, not because I don't think they'll understand and be kind and say just the right thing, there's a good chance that they will, but because whenever I start to bring it up my throat closes up a bit. I couldn't even put in this entry until today, and only because I was uploading an icon anyway.

I feel like everyone I know, everyone in their early to mid-twenties is scared, terrified, of this sort of thing, and others...I hope like anything that people in their late-twenties are braver, and that people in their thirties are gold. I hope that, but I really don't think that's how it is. I don't remember being this confused when I was an adolescent. I certainly wasn't this scared when I was twenty...I don't know if I was stupider or braver then.

Things which make the heart beat faster.

Mon, 04 Oct 2004 02:16:52 GMT

Sometimes I feel like I have nothing to look forward to, and that makes me want to sit around and watch VH1 and read fanfic until my eyes hurt, which is not where you want to be when you're studying for two tests and have a paper due.

So, I am looking forward to (chrono-order):

1. September: Uh...Consolidating my Renaissance History notes? Shut up, it's fun to put things in outline form, really!

Oh wait, September's over. That's good, because I couldn't think of anything there.

2. October: Halloween. I have no idea what I want to be...but I'd really like to strike a balance between scary and slutty. I usually rail against girls who use Halloween as an excuse to dress like whores-- I've long felt that Halloween is a time to scare people, or at least make them laugh...boys get to be scary or funny on Halloween, but girls always choose to be slutty. But then, if you never dress sexily ever, there's something poignantly Willow-like about choosing to do so for Halloween. Also, I'm really quite cute right now.

3. November: Nanowrimo! I'm going to con all my friends into doing it, even though we don't have time. I wonder what kind of stupid crap we'll all come up with.

4. December: Finals. It sounds terrible, but I'm going to kill this year, I just know it. I refuse to go into Christmas with a sick, sad, defeated feeling.

5. January: Nursing classes, because that will lead to graduating, getting a job and ---> The Beginning.

Iconoclast

Sat, 02 Oct 2004 21:58:17 GMT

I decided to make icons of dubious artistic worth today, instead of studying, which is what I swear to god I'm going to go do now. Right after crossposting this all over the place.

Because puns are funny:

Because Dr. Zelenka is ridiculously cute:

Because on the TWOP messageboards, they call her Tey-lo:

I'll get it back

Thu, 30 Sep 2004 20:29:59 GMT

I'm all about these little mantras when I'm having a bad day, I know that it's stupid, but when I say a damn fool thing in class, the only way I can keep from visibly cringing afterwards is by chanting, "Don't worry, we'll get it back." I guess "it" is supposed to be our game, and by "we" I mean, me. I must've gotten it from Sports Night.

Another mantra I like is "Always outnumbered, always outgunned." from that Walter Mosley book. Then I find that Juliette Lewis and Prodigy released an album called "Always Outnumbered, Never Outgunned" and I am annoyed. Just because that former phrase made me remember that people work hard and things hurt and that that's okay because that's how it's supposed to be, and there's something good and pure about that.

This Prodigy/Juliette Lewis thing is just going to make me think of annoying raver children and unnattractively flashy rock stars and the song I heard off that album wasn't even good.

Hey, I have webspace, I should put up my Zelenka icons. And my other icons, and other stuff like that. But I don't really have a webpage design in mind, and I don't have time to devote the hours and hours of obsessing that a new webpage warrants. After this next round of tests, maybe. Something girly and techie looking, with grids and what not.

I love that girls have created their own aesthetic on the web, that there are beautiful, beautiful webpages that have been designed by twelve year old girls, and icons and lj's too, a lot of very fine graphic work is being done by these tiny little girls. The internet used to be so crazy looking, and I blame boys. (totally unfairly, I know.) Boys just have a different aesthetic than girls do, they like different colors and shapes, it's not bad, just different than what I like.

Anyway, tiny little girls are making these icons that are so sophisticated and lovely, and they're devoting all this talent to, like, Justin Timberlake and Lindsey Lohan. But who cares? These girls are going to grow up and make extraordinary things, and do it so easily, because they learned all these skills without even meaning to, just because they wanted a blinky Christina Aguilera icon unlike anyone else's. I wish I'd had that when I was younger.

No, I am not sweating Grissom...well, yes I am.

Thu, 30 Sep 2004 01:40:11 GMT

Especially since the C.S.I. obsession pretty much guarentees that I'm going to the gym every day at seven. The idea is to eat as much as possible so as not to lose ground, but excercise everyday so as not to lose cardiovascular health and muscle mass.

Even though I have a lot of reading to do for tomorrow, and I have to get up at 5:00AM to have a prayer of getting to class on time, and it's already 10:00PM, I still find myself fiddling around online. Thinking about just completely overhauling my lj, my homepage, creating a Dr. Zelenka icon because, well, Dr. Zelenka deserves it...

The Incredible Shrinking Girl

Tue, 28 Sep 2004 14:29:52 GMT

I only say that because I am rapidly losing weight, and while I would like to think it's because I've been going to the gym and eating right, I can't, because I haven't been going to the gym and I haven't been eating right.

Usually dropping weight for no reason means I'm getting sort of sick again, so I'm trying to counteract the scale by eating fried chicken and pizza every day, and given that, the weight loss is even more disconcerting. It's okay, I started off at 140, and I'm at 135 now, and I'm 5'7", so I have another fifteen pounds before I start to worry...man, I so didn't want to talk about my weight in this journal, especially since I'm so nice and average right now.

Anyway, I've been working on my Atlantis slash lately, but I've got a round of tests coming up, so I don't know how soon I'll finish. Also, the first story I wrote is about Shep and Keras, which, yeah, the story's there, but kind of obvious, and I don't care that much about Keras yet, and it's his P.O.V. Ah well, it's a chance to write a sex scene for the first time in a year or so.

"Energy is 75% of the job. If you don't have it, be nice."

Thu, 23 Sep 2004 15:01:53 GMT

The colitis has been active for, oh, three years now. Every morning is such excrutiating pain, today I gave in and didn't go to my morning classes. I'm so angry with myself when I do this sort of thing, it's like, "OH, look at me! I'm Sick Girl! I can't do anything!" And that's just not who I want to be.

That's okay though. I'll get it back. I'll shower and go to my afternoon classes and see if I can't set up meetings with my morning class professors. I guess I'll play the Sick Girl card, but at least I'll keep the communication lines open, which is way more than I did the last time I attempted classes. I have to just suck up the pain and get up ridiculously early and crawl my way to the shower, the toilet, the sink, the toilet, the closet, the toilet...etc.

It's been three years, I have to understand that I am not the girl who gets to sleep up until the last minute. I am not that girl. I should probably join a colitis community, but dear lord, those are depressing.

It's the "basically " that makes it art.

Wed, 22 Sep 2004 23:55:53 GMT

Basically, this is what we're dealing with:

Adam: Hey, I'm doing something Friday that I think you might be interested in doing yourself.
Me: So, what, you're calling to gloat?
Adam: No! God. I'm calling to invite you along. We're going to go see Sky Captain and the World of Whatever.
Me: Sounds good, what time?
Adam: 10:10, that too late?
Me: No, that's--oh, wait, that's Friday you said?
Adam: Yeah...
Me: Atlantis is...oh, don't worry about it. Okay, Friday's good.
Adam: You don't want to go because your stupid show is on!
Me: What? No! I said I'd go!
Adam: But you weighed the pros and cons of going out with people and staying home to watch that show!
Me: Well, yes, but...you won! I chose you!

Of course, I didn't tell him that this Friday is a rerun of Stargate: Atlantis, and that we won't get any more new episodes of that show until January.